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Shadowscapes Tarot
*Sadly, tarot is heteronormative and monogamous*

When I first starting learning about poly, I kept hearing the talking point comparing loving multiple children being analogous to loving multiple partners. It works, kind of…

There are different types of love – “love” is an example I regularly use with my students to illustrate the problem with vague language… I love my husband, I love my car, I love the dress I’m wearing, I love my cats…  Do I love them all the same way? Probably not. My cats know they are loved the most and loved the best.

But I do love two men (in the eros sense), and getting my head around that reality took some time.

When I see M (my husband), I still get that fluttering feeling in my belly. It’s been pointed out that he and I touch each other, a lot. Not in a “get a room” way – in a connecting way.  When we enter the same space, like at a party when we have been apart, and we come together again, we hold hands, often I’ll brush my fingers over the back of his neck. He’ll rest his hand in the small of my back – all of these touches are brief, but meaningful.

However… I get the same feelings from G (my boyfriend).  He holds my hand, and I get that same fluttering feeling. We touch a lot too, and I think in much the same way – to connect, to be close, But the times he looks at me, with this specific expression… I am absolutely lost.

But maybe that’s just lust – not love?

Putting aside fluttery feelings… When something bad happens, they are the first people I want to share it with.  But I think more importantly, they are the first people I want to share something good with.

I’m often a bit solitary. I like my alone time, but I’m comfortable sharing space with both of them. I can talk to and listen to either of them for hours; I can also sit contentedly in silence.

Is that love?

When I first started to fall in love with G, I fought it every step of the way. It wasn’t that I didn’t know about poly. It was simply that I didn’t think I was polyamorous. It certainly wasn’t what I was looking for, and it wasn’t what M had agreed to. We’d agreed to an open marriage, not emotional connections. And I believed that I couldn’t love them both – that what I felt had to wrong. I often doubt my own feelings. There are many reasons for this, maybe I will write about them in the future. I tried increasing my time with one and decreasing my time with the other – and vice versa. I tried to only focus on the negative aspects of G – thinking that would make me love him less. I read tarot cards, I meditated, I cast spells – all seeking guidence. I talked to my best friend, the one if the small number of people who knew we had an open marriage. The only answer I found was that I did, in fact, love them both.

It’s taken almost a year for me to really come to terms with the idea, much less the feelings, of loving them both.

This is love

One night after M and I had seen a movie, we picked up G for a late dinner. The 3 of us sat around the table talking about the holiday season, the movie M and I had seen, and the regular stuff that people talk about – I was, for a moment, overwhelmed by the depth of my feelings and of their’s for me. In that moment, I think I finally, completely accepted being polyamorous. In that moment, I also felt content & happy.

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